Something I Can Never Have
by Dying With A Smile
Summary: He can never have her and it hurts to know that. Songfic, NxM


**Title: **Something I Can Never Have  
**Author: **Etsuko O. Daikama

**Rating: **T  
**Category: **Romance/Drama  
**Pairing(s): **NxM

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Gakuen Alice or "Something I Can Never Have" by Nine Inch Nails  
**Summary: **He can never have her and it hurts to know that. Songfic. NxM

**Notes: **May contain OCCness. Warning: Character Death.

* * *

Unfair. Distasteful. Vile. Why was he the one that had to go through bloody missions? He was so young and yet he was the one facing all these challenges of "life" that were hitting him. All he could was defend himself and if it hits his friends; feh, he wouldn't even let such a thing even come to existence toward his friends. He would not allow the darkness that he has been consumed in come anywhere near the one he loves. _Mikan Sakura._ That was her name; she was the one who had the big smile on her face that was highly contagious.

But he was told to not come close to her--it was like a rule. A rule that wanted to be broken, a rule that _needed _to be broken. _Don't get close to her._Who needed to follow what Persona had to say? He was just a man wearing black with a stupid, deadly Alice. He could have been mistaken as a child molester if he were talking to children at the dead of night. That's not something to be proud of.

Natsume remembered the words that Mikan said when she was talking to Tsubasa, a man that he got jealous of very easily and hated. She said that Kaname had until night to live and then he'll die. So the two of them planned to visit Kaname before he takes his final breath and stay there after he takes his last breath. Natsume didn't know if that "Kaname" guy had died already, but it doesn't hurt to check.

The young fire-wielder was in the forest with a few "minor" scratches on his body. They weren't quite painful but they did sting a little. His mask was already taken by Persona; there's no way that he'll keep such a condemned object so might as well let Persona have.

Natsume was walking toward the Academy's Infirmary, thinking that the Kaname guy had already died and he's just wasting his time to walk toward the building when he could be walking toward the elementary dorms to have a good night sleep. But he was nicknamed "Black Cat," does that mean he takes more traits of a cat than he thinks? No. He's just a _worried_ boy. He's not worrying over some doll-maker, he's worrying over the girl he fell in love with. She could be crying right now in the arms of... _shadow-freak_. That stirred him up a little more than needed.

His feet paced faster than a walk, turning into a sprint. As soon as the Infirmary came to view in his crimson-red eyes, he started to run, eager to know what's happening with Mikan right now. Is she crying and needs comfort? What was she doing right now? Does she need him? So many thoughts ran through Natsume's mind and he came across the exterior of the Infirmary. He knew that Kaname was on the first floor considered he eavesdropped on Mikan and Tsubasa's conversation earlier that day.

Natsume saw one room that had a light on so he walked to it, quietly. The curtains were hiding the interior of the room but it had a thick separation between the two sheets of curtains. It was thick enough for Natsume to see the whole thing that's happening in the room.

The curtained window was already in front of Natsume and he just stood there because he could hear what's inside. The window was slightly opened so he had to be more careful to not make any noise. He heard sobbing and he inched closer to the window to peek through the curtains.

Mikan was on a chair that was placed beside the bed of the doll-maker. She was holding his hand and letting tears run down her face. It was just her and Kaname in that room; no Tsubasa. Natsume found it odd but watched Mikan cry further. He couldn't do anything although he truly wished.

_I still recall the taste of your tears  
__Echoing your voice just like the ringing in my ears_

He remembered when she cried and he comforted her. His arms embraced her tightly to him, letting his heat radiated onto her. He kissed her tears that were crying for him. It tasted different. Salty. _Bitter._ Tasting her tears was like eating the most bitter candy that has ever been made.

Mikan's sobs were still going and it just kept ringing through his ears until it was stuck in the back of his mind. He hated the sound. It was like the most stupidest song was going through your head and just needed to get it out, and you were desperate to get it out. It was the same with Natsume. He was _desperate _to get the sound of her sobbing out. It just pained him too much to see her like this.

There was a knock on the room's door and it opened, to reveal Tsubasa with bentos in his hands. He looked confused when he saw Mikan crying while holding onto Kaname's hand. She looked at him with her tear-stained face and her eyes glimmering with bitter-tasting water. Tsubasa placed the bentos on a small table that was near and walked towards Mikan, feeling worried. "What's wrong?" Tsubasa asked, hovering over the girl.

Mikan let go of Kaname's hand and wrapped her arms around Tsubasa's body. "K-Kaname-sempai... h-he... he died!" She hiccuped and felt Tsubasa pick her up till her feet can't touch the floor. Tsubasa took the seat that Mikan was sitting in and sat down. He placed Mikan on his lap and hugged her while she continued to cry.

Natsume was certain that his blood was boiling. Yes, Mikan needed comfort, but did it honestly have to be that idiot? He clenched his fists tighter than they already were. Why? Why didn't he just open the window and came in just to comfort her? Because it was that stupid rule; don't get closer to her.

The quote from a troublemaker: rules were meant to broken. But the thing is, this rule can't be broken until he leaves the stupid school that he hated so much; unless he would want her to get hurt or worse, _die_, just like Kaname, but in a different manner.

Scowling at the scene, Natsume left the area and walked to the elementary dorms to get some rest. The scene kept repeating inside his mind; Tsubasa hugging Mikan, Mikan hugging Tsubasa. It was irritating to have that scene stuck in your mind and just refuses to leave! With every _stomp _that he took, he grew even more frustrated.

He put his hands on his head and ruffled up his black, silky hair in frustration, dearly hoping that the scene would just leave. Disappear like it never happened or disappear like he was never there to witness it. But no, his mind refused to do so and kept repeating the scenes.

There was a nicely-shaped rock on the ground that he was staring at for a while. He picked the rock up and threw it randomly through the air, landing on the ground without hitting a thing. The dorms were near and he dashed towards it. He can finally get some sleep; hopefully, a decent night's rest.

Natsume quietly walked through the hallways, not wanting to disturb anyone's sleep. It was friggen past midnight and he should be asleep, that includes Mikan too. Tsubasa... eh, he could care less about him. That guy could stay up all night reading a stupid novel for all Natsume cares.

His bedroom door came into view. On the door was his name on a plaque and he opened the door that led to his room. It was a bit more messy than needed; mangas that were half-read were on the ground, on its last page that was read. There were a couple of dirty t-shirts on the ground that he forgot to pick up and refuses to pick up at this moment. He needed some dang sleep!

Natsume crawled into his bed, slightly eager to get some decent sleep. It was a weekend so he could sleep in if he wanted to. He closed his eyes and then a picture came up: Tsubasa hugging Mikan. Mikan crying while holding onto Kaname's hand. He was beginning to scowl at the pictures that were flashing through his mind. Can't it leave him alone?

He clutched onto his silky sheets tightly, showing his current emotion; anger or shall I say... jealousy? He sat up and looked around his room. It was completely dark and he blinked a couple of times. Then another picture came into mind. He saw an eight-years old Mikan smiling and giggling with her hand outstretched towards him. He has been having dreams of what would happen if they met earlier in their lives and were not in the Academy.

His eyes were beginning to droop and he slithered back onto his bed. He closed his eyes and saw Mikan in his mind with a big smile on face while eating chocolate ice-cream. If he didn't have any pride in him, he would've thought she looked _cute_ with a little dip of chocolate on her nose.

_My favorite dreams of you still wash ashore  
__Scraping through my head till I don't want to sleep anymore_

In his dreams, Mikan hugged him, kissed him on the cheek if he bought something sweet like candy for her, she would put her head on his shoulder if she got a little tired. Ooh, he loved her so much. In his dreams he had her but whenever he woke up, she was no longer considered his.

Dreams like his never came true and whenever he dreamt of her, he would wake up, knowing that would never happen. So what's the point of sleeping if he knows he'll wake up and realize that she is not his and will never be his? He hated his life so much.

Sure, Ruka could have her and make her happy, but somewhere in his heart, he detested the idea. But for now, his dreams of her would be his happiness at night while being with her during the day is he is happiness during the daytime. He figured it was fair.

_Currently in his dream, he had just placed the ice-cream on her nose and she pouted because it was cold and well... it was on her nose. She asked him if he wanted any of her ice-cream and all he could do is stuff it in her face. Natsume had taken the ice-cream cone away from her and started licking her nose while a thick, rosy-pink was painted on her cheeks._

_He thought she looked adorable, not that he'll admit aloud or anything. He actually had a hard time admitting it mentally. The poor, stubborn boy..._

Every dream he had of her were sweet and a little bit too mushy than he wanted it to be. He was a boy who wanted love... _true _love but never really got it. He had happiness slowly come back to him but the one thing that will make him too happy for words is that he'll have Mikan as his.

But he knew that'll never happen.

Natsume remembered that one day when Mikan was actually _fed up_ because he would not smile. She said she hated the fact that there was not even a small tug on his lips whenever something funny happened. OK, she was fed up because she did something ridiculous that made others laugh but not him even though she was trying to make _him_ laugh. And she lost because there was nothing. She hated losing.

So she just stuck her two index fingers into his mouth and lifted the edges of his mouth upwards, creating a rather big smile. _"There's a smile!"_That's what she said with a smile on her face, too. It was like she was teaching him how to smile. He knew how to smile and laugh, pfft, he even knew how to joke once in a while.

But he lost it; he forgot how to smile and laugh when he entered the Academy. When she stuck her fingers in his mouth and smiled, he started to smile on his own. He didn't know why or how but there was something bubbling in his stomach.

_You always the one to show me how  
__Back then I couldn't do the things that I can do now_

After the small moment, he actually felt pretty good; almost like he was happy or something. He knew his life was going to get better; like the it was before he entered the Academy--no,_ better _than that. It was all thanks to the girl that he fell in love with.

Mikan had done so many things for him; helped him save his sister, taught him how to smile again--it's quite amazing if you think about it.

Dreams and pictures of Mikan were rushing through his head like a slid-show. Through the whole night, he had a small smile on his face every time he saw Mikan either smiling, pouting or blushing. And he would smirk whenever he got the common reaction from her when he got to see a panty of hers. He learned how to love his life very easily with her around.

The night was leaving to somewhere else while the sun was slowly moving its way to cover up the Academy's side. Natsume felt comfortable in the bed that he would refuse to come out. The sun was peeking in through his window.

Oddly, Natsume could hear her sobs again. Like the way he heard them when he was at the Infirmary, spying on her. Hearing it echo through his head was twisting his insides, causing pain that he wanted to heal but it seemed a bit too unbearable.

Natsume cracked his eyes opened slowly and saw his room starting to have some light. He sat up with his hair messy and his eyes begging for more sleep. He looked at his clock and it was near six in the morning; that wasn't enough sleep for him.

Lazily, he threw his blankets off him and slid out of his bed to start the new day. Of course it was the weekend but he just wanted to see if _she_was OK. She was crying in the arms of that stupid shadow-freak because that doll-maker died. He was begging to the person up there that Mikan would be OK.

But it was the opposite; she was definitely _not_ OK. She was still sad, maybe more than that.

Natsume was already outside when he had finished getting ready and he saw a bunch of students gathering near the Northern Forest. Mikan was standing around, telling everyone that they were going to do Kaname's funeral. Natsume came up to her and saw the tears fall down her cheeks; he thought maybe the tears were more bitter than the first batch he tasted.

"Natsume?" Mikan questioned and saw, blindly, that Natsume was standing in front of her. The wind was drifting her black dress little upwards but Natsume didn't feel like peeking at her panties considering her mood today. "P-Please attend Kaname-sempai's funeral. It would mean a lot."

And all he did was a quick, simple nod. Not a hug of comfort, not a reassurance, nothing. He walked passed her with all the other students. He glanced back, over his shoulder to see Mikan telling other students and she wiped her eyes with the back of her wrist.

Unable to continue to feel the pain any longer, he walked back to her and embraced her from behind. He pulled her closer to him until their bodies were connected, from head to toe. He breathed into her ear, telling everything was fine; he was here. Mikan started to cry again, whispering a thank you to him. Her tears splashed on his arms, invisibly burning a hole through them like acid.

Slowly, he let go of her and walked with all the other students. The tears that fell on his arms had a remaining touch to them and it ached him to know that they were her tears on his arms.

_This thing is slowly taking me apart  
__Grey would be the color if I had a heart_

Chairs were neatly arranged outside and there were a few pictures of the special doll-maker. Tsubasa was in the front row with Misaki by his side. One seat was reserved beside the pink-haired middle-schooler and it was for Mikan.

Natsume had to seat near the back with his friend Ruka beside him. He didn't know the doll-maker but he was an Alice that had died on the Academy's property. It was quiet with all the students with a gloomy look on their faces. Mikan walked down the aisle, her face looking at the ground. She made her way toward the first row and sat down beside Misaki.

Tsubasa stood up and turned toward the students and started telling them about his relationship with Kaname. He told the students off that he didn't like students coming up to Kaname to make him a doll for them. He told them how selfish the idea was and it was killing Kaname's life. He _wanted_to say it was their fault that Kaname died but never did.

Natsume was catching some words from Tsubasa but his eyes were staring at the back of Mikan's head. The view was far but he could tell that she was crying once again and Misaki was comforting her now. He needed to be there with her.

Soon enough, students were given white roses and started lining up to place a rose on the top of the black, slick coffin. The coffin that had Kaname's body in, but not soul. Once the students have given the rose, they went to their seats and stood there. Natsume was one who left before he was given a white rose.

Why should he stay there? He doesn't even know the guy! But something kept telling him he was needed; someone back there _needed_him. He ignored whatever was telling him that and walked through the Academy's grounds. He went to the sakura tree to relax there and try to enjoy his day while it was still enjoyable... but too late; one glance at seeing Mikan cry will break the day and your heart.

His back pressed against the tree and he stared at the blue sky. Questions roamed through his mind; _who will attend my funeral? Will polka-dots cry if I died?_ Questions such as those ran through his mind and he thought what would happen then and in the future. It didn't look quite bright.

His life was slowly fading away; he knew it was. He constantly used his Alice that was killing him and he will continue to use it until he's dead. "Natsume?" he heard a voice echo through his ears. He knew who it already was.

"Why did you leave?" Natsume turned his head to stare at the girl who finally stopped crying. Her chocolate eyes casted downwards to the ground. "You could've at least given him a rose."

A rose? What good will that do? And why should he, like I said earlier, he doesn't even know the guy! Yes, he's seen him but he never _met_Kaname. His mouth opened and words sprang out from his mouth, "Why should I? He's just another one who died because he over-used his Alice."

Mikan clenched her fists and her eyebrows made a perfect 'v.' Her eyes glimmered with anger and a frown was on her face. "'Another one?' He's not just 'another one,' Natsume!" Mikan yelled. "He's Kaname-sempai, he was very nice and he was my friend!"

"I already know he's your friend," Natsume said and rolled his eyes. "But that doesn't mean _I _know him. Tch, I never met him."

Mikan snorted, "You could have at least been a little decent to give him a single, white rose! Where's the harm in that?"

It's not making any sense to him that she's yelling at him because he didn't give a rose to someone he never met. Not. One. Piece. Of. Sense. He closed his eyes and sighed. "Get over yourself," Natsume said. "Whether I gave him a rose or not, that's _my_ business. Not yours."

She growled and spatted at him, "Sometimes I wonder if you have a heart at all!" With her arms to her sides, she stomped away with anger. That guy was unforgivable.

Natsume narrowed his eyes at the back of Mikan. He wished he could do something right now to tell her off that he had a heart. A bigger heart than what she could imagine he had. But she was already gone. Out of sight. He realized he's done something stupid.

_In this place it seems like such a shame  
__Though it all looks different now,  
__I know it's still the same_

He was walking the Academy's grounds again, searching for his best friend. He looked at the school he's been entrapped for a few years. All the teachers deceived the students; mainly the _ignorant_ students. He didn't think it was fair at all to know that the teachers would do that.

If a child had a "dangerous" Alice, they got sent to the Dangerous Ability Class where they send the Alices on missions. Missions that only got kids hurt and in trouble, it probably even brought some to their death. Either from over-using their Alice if they have limitless power or because they got killed by the enemy.

Either way, Natsume still hated it.

Then she came and changed it. She helped him rescue Aoi, she taught him how to smile again... She sneaked into everyone's skin so easily that their lives are changing without them noticing. That may work on the students, but what about the teachers? How about that jacked-up elementary principal?

Will she able to sneak into the skin and change everything? But they're all stubborn, especially Jinno. Still, if anyone does something unforgivable, she still forgives them and forgets it. She was and still is an unbelievable girl.

Even if the students changed, the adults acted the same.

After countless minutes of searching for his friend, Ruka, Natsume walked toward the Northern Forest. _"Sometimes I wonder if you have a heart at all!"_ Yeah, it still stung and he still hated her for that. If it stung, that must mean he has a heart, right?

He came across the memorial that they were holding earlier and saw the chairs were empty. The coffin still had all the flowers on it. Everything looked the same just without the people hanging around, mourning over a death of a fellow Alice.

Natsume looked at the tables and saw one rose on the table. There was a paper under it and said, 'for friends and family to place on coffin.' Well, Natsume wasn't Kaname's friend; he was just a stranger to him. But he picked the rose up and placed it on the coffin. "I bet you're in a better place than I am," Natsume said after he placed the rose down. He looked at the pictures of Kaname, they all had him smiling like a strong boy he really was.

"Natsume?" he heard a male voice--and it sounded familiar. Like Ruka's... Natsume turned to see Ruka standing with Mikan beside him. "What are you doing here?"

Natsume's gaze flickered to Mikan a moment to see a smile on her face. Her mouth started to move, "Natsume, you're here because you gave a rose to Kaname-sempai!" She giggled. "You do have a heart!"

He rolled his eyes at the last comment. He spoke, "I _had_ and still have a heart, idiot."

Mikan ignored his insult; her eyes sparkled and she said with (what Natsume thinks) _an extremely_ high-pitched voice, "But I didn't know you had a soft heart."

"Whatever," he said and started walk pass them.

"Natsume!" Ruka called out. "Would you mind helping us out put away the tables and chairs?"

The crimson-eyed lad shrugged and started stacking chairs together with Mikan and Ruka. It may have taken hours to finish cleaning up but there was at least a small smile on Natsume's face. He's with his best friend and the girl he loves; talk about a "win-win" situation.

_Everywhere I look you're all I see  
__Just a fading reminder of who I used to be  
__C'mon tell me_

The day became darker and it soon turned into night. The stars sparkled in the dark, midnight blue sky and the air grew slightly chillier than earlier in the day. Crickets started chirping and outdoor lights started to glow in the dark of the night. Two boys were sitting on the elementary dorm roof, gazing at the sky. In the sky, a falling star quickly passed by.

"A falling star; make a wish," Ruka said. Natsume quirked an eyebrow at Ruka. Natsume asked, "You believe in that stuff?" A nod came from Ruka.

"I wish that we both can leave the Academy, together," Ruka said. "With Sakura, also."

Natsume rolled his eyes; he knew that Ruka was bound to say that. "Well, I wish that she would stop being annoying everyday."

Ruka smiled softly at him. "No, you wouldn't," Ruka said. "You love Sakura that way."

Great, Natsume knew this day would come...

"I think that's why your heart grew softer," Ruka said. "It's because Sakura came in and she brought that smile on your face back. I think you _love_ her smile--"

"I bet that's what _you_like about her," Natsume quickly said, trying to turn tables.

Ruka sighed; aware of how Natsume was changing things. "I do admit that I like Sakura's smile--"

"What else do you like about her? Her flat chest? The time when she wore that genie outfit for that RPG?"

Ruka quickly flustered and started to blush a pretty color of cherry red. "N-No!" He stuttered. "I like the fact that she wants to be strong--"

"_Right_... and you weren't looking at her when she was wearing that genie outfit," Natsume said without taking his gaze off the sky.

"N-Natsume!"

Getting up, Natsume quickly said, "I'm going to bed." He started to walk away towards his bedroom while Ruka was busy rushing to get up. "Wait, Natsume!"

_You make this all go away  
__You make this all go away  
__I down to just one thing  
__And I'm starting to scare myself  
__You make this all go away  
__You make this all go away  
__I just want something  
__I just want something I can never have_

The next day seemed to start to get back to normal; except Mikan would unconsciously start talking about Kaname, like where he was at and Natsume would say that he was somewhere else that was better. Mikan believed him and then she started to worry over Mr. Bear. She was curious if the Bear got sad when he heard that his master died. So, she paid him a small visit and he didn't come out of his cabin.

Mikan brought Natsume along because she didn't want to go alone. When she did, Natsume stayed far away from the cabin. It almost seemed like he knew that Mikan was going to get hurt by Bear and he wanted to be the audience. That's pretty sadist-like.

The young brunette female went to the cabin's door and knocked on it; no one came to the door. She knocked again, thinking maybe Bear didn't hear her. But alas, no one answered again. So she tried opening the door but it was locked. Natsume offered to burn down the door, but Mikan made it _loud_ and clear that she declined. Anyway, the whole house could burn down.

A small dispute started to form between them because one was deciding to burn down the house while the other one was refusing. The topic from breaking down the door switched to opinions about each other and that can be a bit... drastic.

"I don't know why you keep distancing yourself from me, it's like you don't trust me!" Mikan shouted at Natsume who became stiff. The two were in front of Bear's cabin and the silence was too awkward that it made Mikan feel uncomfortable.

Amazingly quick, his arms captured her in between them. His face dangerously close to hers and his breath kissed her cheeks while his lips gently brushed against her lips like feathers. "There's a reason why," Natsume mumbled. He moved his legs closer to her until they were tangled with each other.

His lips pressed against hers, eager to feel and taste them. His mouth smothered all her breaths that turned into gasps because she was surprised at his sudden reaction. His upper teeth sunk into her bottom, soft lip. Unsure of what to do, Mikan just stood there, feeling his teeth sink deeper into her lip. She started to feel the pain in her body and she opened her mouth. Wrong idea--he deepened the kiss even further by letting his tongue dig through her mouth.

His arms held her closely to him, not wanting to let go. One of his hands moved to her head and started fiddling with the bows that were in her hair. He pulled them off and threw them to the ground. His fingers felt the softness of her hair. They glided through her silky, brunette hair from the top of her head to the bottom of her tips.

He took his lips off hers and licked his lips like there were remains of his favorite food on his lips. His gaze went to her lips and saw they were shockingly bruised and deeply red. He didn't care what they looked like; he wanted _more_ of them.

But he fought his urge off and walked away, leaving a completely shocked Mikan behind. She watched him leave the forest and then the door of the cabin opened, revealing Mr. Bear.

_I just want something I can never have_

Natsume was walking around the forest and came across the man he hated most. Persona. "Natsume, I have a new mission for you," he said. He turned his back and started walking, letting Natsume follow behind. A few words escaped Persona's lips. "Don't get close to her."

Unfair. Distasteful. Vile. Why was he the one that couldn't have just _one_ he wanted?

... Why?

* * *

**A/N: **Yes! I made it before I left! Boo-yeah! -_does victory dance_- It seemed a lot shorter but a bit longer than I thought it would be--that didn't make sense. _Anyway_I hope you guys enjoyed this. This oneshot has been on my list to complete for a while and I did it. I'm pretty happy. But it seems rushed in every corner of the story and it just annoys me. 8P

I didn't feel like giving the ages out because... well, I didn't want to. I'm always doing that and it gets annoying. So... yeah. At my place; well, where I live. In America, Iowa has been receiving some major floods that are near my home. It's like twenty minutes away from my house and we always go through the city that has been flooded. This year broke its flood record; it's probably six feet deeper than the last time. Probably even more because it rained last night. 8D I don't know why I'm happy about this. I guess breaking records are a big thing to me.

- Etsuko O. Daikama


End file.
